Latent, Lingering Lust & Lies
Angel contemplates the lingering effects of Doximal and the lies he must maintain.
CONTENTS: Angel POV – C/A(us)
CATEGORY: Post-Episode Fic – Eternity (Ep017 – 1.17)
LENGTH: Ficlet – 580 words
FICPIC CREDIT: Lysa
Latent Lingering Lust and Lies
Los Angeles, April 2000
Maybe there was still a trace of Doximal in his system because his thoughts kept going places they should’t. Dark images flashed in his head, the taste of human blood lingering even now in his memory, rich and thick, and warm as it slid down his throat.
The harsh things he had said to both Cordelia and Wesley, every word of it the unvarnished truth as only a demon could tell it, now played out in a loop reminding him that he needed no weapons to harm those closest to him. Worse, the taunts had just been the prelude to something more sordid. His plans for them still undeveloped, yet teasing at the periphery of his consciousness as Cordelia threatened him with holy water.
He forgot all about Wes the moment he knocked him out. Focused only on her. It pissed him off the way Cordelia planned for the worst—stakes, crosses, holy water— even if it was clearly justified, but her defiance aroused more than just his ire. Confident and beautiful, she had made him hesitate instead of reaching out to grab her anticipating the extreme pain of the holy water’s acidic effects burning away at his flesh. A hint of doubt remained. His gut told him it was just water, but that glint of steely bitch in her eye was enough of a prod that he nearly lunged for her anyway.
Ready to fulfill every illicit fantasy that had ever debuted unbidden during a moment of distraction or weakness, or those dreams lingering behind in the minutes after waking, hazy yet somehow still seeming real, he called them up one by one. All of them disarming, guilt-invoking, and the reason why some days it was better to stay down here to brood. His latent desires crystalized a second before Wesley had tackled him full throttle sending him tumbling into the elevator shaft.
Those desires stabbed like a shard then and now. Then because it was more than just pure lust Angelus felt. Now because Angel wanted what he could not have. Angelus would have taken everything leaving him with nothing except corpses and his grief once the Doximal wore off. That possibility was enough to remind him that Cordelia was forever off limits. Their friendship was dangerous enough, but he could never give that up, not even for her sake. Selfishly, he could not conceive of doing that to himself. Even his demon roared a complaint at the mere suggestion that he take a step back.
As much as the Angelus eschewed emotional encumbrances, he was no stranger to lust and despite everything that had happened, that was one thing that never faded. Perhaps if they had not forgiven him so quickly, Angel could have remained at a distance in the future, but even chained to the bed he knew this experience would only bring them closer. They knew and accepted him for all his faults. Cordelia had even called him on his attempt to soften the insults slung her way by his loosened tongue, preferring truth between them in all things.
There might be a thing as too much truth, which was why he needed to forget desires he could do nothing about, and simply think of her as his seer, his secretary, his friend. Closing his eyes, Angel let that be his mantra as he embraced the lie he needed to maintain.